Better This Way
by Twenty-Two Cents
Summary: The death ray malfunction was not an accident. Dr. Horrible explains his choice to his past self.
1. Prologue

**Disclaimer: I'm not nearly clever enough to have come up with _Dr. Horrible_. All the credit for that goes to Joss Whedon, and I thank him for giving me a new and exciting story and great characters to write about.  
**

I had to do it. That day at the new Caring Hands shelter ruined _everything_. You don't even know. You have no _idea_ how horrible your future would have been if I hadn't done it. If I hadn't sabotaged my past self's death ray. _Your_ death ray. It wasn't perfect to begin with- it would have malfunctioned when you dropped it anyway. It just wouldn't have exploded; that was the part I added.

Don't look at me like that. It's better this way. Far better.

What, you don't believe me? Fine. I'll tell you what happened, and then you'll know. I had to do it.


	2. Only the Beginning

I hesitated. Monologued, had a golden opportunity, then hesitated. And the freeze ray stopped working. I doubt I could have pulled the trigger anyway. Had Captain Hammer's fist slam into my face and knock both me and the ray halfway across the room. He picked up my death ray, belted out the last word of that tacky, ridiculous song and crushed me to the ground with his foot. Mocked me and my invention, then stuck it in my face, fully intending to kill me. All this happened to you too, right?

But when Hammer pulled the trigger… nothing happened. "Broken and useless, just like you," he sneered at me, and much to my horror, he threw the machine to the ground and stomped it into a small pile of sizzling electronics. Very expensive, sizzling electronics. "Nice try, Doctor, but you'll have to do better than that to defeat me: Captain Hammer!"

As if on cue, groupies swarmed around with cameras flashing, smiling idiotically and gushing at him. Disgusting.

Meanwhile, I lay face-up on the ground, all but forgotten, fighting to breathe. Hammer's foot was so heavy on my chest that I began to see large black spots swirling in the edges of my vision. Ironically, Penny was the only one to notice me; she squeezed her way through the crowd to Hammer's side, standing on her tiptoes to whisper in his ear. I was too busy trying not to pass out to hear what she said, but it must have been something to the effect of "You're smothering the bad guy" because the foot lifted up, and I suddenly found myself gasping for air. Before I could so much as blink, Captain Hammer had seized me by the front of my lab coat and hauled me off the ground, my feet dangling in midair. He flashed a cheesy smile for the cameras and strode over to the doors, where the police were just starting to arrive, shaking me roughly and punching me in the face for good measure. Still grinning, he grabbed a pair of handcuffs from one of the officer's belt—ripping the man's belt loop completely off, but the policeman only seemed thrilled to be in such close proximity to the 'hero'—and with much ceremony, Captain Hammer dropped me to the ground, shoved my hands behind me, and snapped the handcuffs on my wrists.

As two officers came and grabbed my arms, Hammer leaned over and whispered conspiratorially, "Normally I'd just let you go, but you tried to kill me… and for that, I think you might need to rot in the slammer for a while. Might give you a little bit of time to come up with something better than that half-baked death ray of yours."

I turned to look behind me as the police dragged me away, my eyes searching the crowd for Penny. After a second or two, I saw her standing beside of a news reporter, a camera in front and filming. She looked dazed as she answered a question, and she glanced in my direction, her expression turning into a deep frown. But before I could do a thing, we were out the door and I had been shoved unceremoniously into the back of a police car.

That look Penny gave me tormented me for hours; I hardly registered anything that happened to me afterward. They had already fingerprinted me, made me change into a prison jumpsuit, taken mugshots, and thrown me into a jail cell before I even became aware of my surroundings again. Why had she frowned at me? Was it out of disgust? Pity? Confusion? Recognition? Loathing?

After a few hours, I came to the conclusion that it didn't matter- she clearly didn't think much of Dr. Horrible, and I didn't blame her. Now I'd never get into the Evil League of Evil, and I'd never show her how capable I truly was.

My future was ruined… but it was only the beginning.


	3. The Letter

Moist showed up later that night. I felt the humidity in the air rise far before he approached my cell, and when he gave a small "Hey" and a soggy wave, I only looked up at him without moving. "Heard about what happened… I'm sorry, man. I'm going to ask about bail, and maybe me and a few other henchmen can scrounge up enough cash to post and get you out of here."

I always forget how good a henchman and a friend Moist is. I gave a small grin at the gesture. Seemingly bolstered by my response, he continued.

"I, uh- you got something in the mail a little while ago. Thought you might want to see it."

He handed me a damp envelope bearing the seal of Bad Horse. I noticed it was broken, and raised an eyebrow.

"The guards opened it- thought it might have some kind of weapon or something in it. Which is kind of smart, I guess. Anyway, I think maybe you should read it."

Feeling anxious all of a sudden, I pulled the moist piece of paper out of the envelope and read it:

_Your murder was a failure, now Bad Horse says you're through;_

_We've given you two chances and you just won't do._

_You're still the awkward person you never quite outgrew._

_Now you're the one that he deplores-_

_We're gonna get you: Signed, Bad Horse_

I must have been showing my emotions clearly, because Moist stared nervously at me and asked, "Not good news?"

I shook my head, incredulous and angry. "They know." I thrust the paper at him, and he took it gingerly as though he were afraid it might burst into flame through all the moisture. As he read it, his face fell visibly.

"Oh… that's bad."

"You think?" I scoffed, closing my eyes, sinking onto my little cot, and allowing the back of my head to thump against the wall. "This is the worst day of my life."

"Even worse than that one time Captain Hammer broke six different bones in your body and you had to spend two months in the hospital?"

I cracked an eyelid open to look at him. "Much. At least that damage could be mostly repaired. Now I can never get into the ELE, and they'll be after me from now on. And Penny…" At her name, I faltered, closing my eye again.

There was a short silence, and then Moist said quietly, "Uh, about Penny… um, well, she's here."

My eyes snapped open in surprise. "What?"

"Yeah. I passed her on the way in here. She's, uh, in the waiting room. Only one visitor at a time- you've been deemed dangerous, or something like that."

I could feel my ire rising at my sometimes witless henchman. "Then why are _you_ still here?!"

Moist seemed alarmed at my sudden change in demeanor. "I thought you'd wanna see the letter."

"Penny is more important. Especially now."

Surprised, Moist spluttered an apology, then told me he would be back as soon as he could come. And then he was gone, squelching his way down the hallway.

A few minutes later, I saw her come in.


	4. Misplaced Aggression

She looked weary, more drained than I had ever seen her. But somehow, even more beautiful than ever. It always amazed me how beautiful she looked even when she was doing laundry, or begging for signatures on street corners, or serving soup at the shelter with her hair up in a net. And in the dreary prison hallway, to use an old, trite phrase, she looked like an angel. I watched her as she walked toward me and my cell, and I tried to read her expression. Her lips were pressed tightly together in what looked like determination. Despite everything, I couldn't help but smile as she approached.

"P-Penny," I stammered, blinking, inarticulate as ever. "Uh, hi."

She closed her eyes, breathed deeply, then opened them and looked straight at me. "Hello, Billy."

For a moment, I was surprised. She had recognized me even with my Dr. Horrible outfit on? And then I remembered- I wasn't Dr. Horrible anymore. I was Billy again, in a bright orange prison jumpsuit, with no goggles to hide my face. I grimaced; this was _not_ how I had envisioned revealing my secret identity to Penny.

"So you know," I said quietly. "I-I guess it wasn't that hard to figure out. I… didn't really change my appearance that much."

"I would have figured it out eventually," she said quietly. "When I heard you say my name back there, I knew who you were. That, and the fact that Dr. Horrible was put into jail, not Billy, yet here I am, talking to you." She continued to look directly at me. "Is there even a difference between them?"

I had to seriously consider her question. _Was_ there a difference anymore? There had been, at the beginning, but ever since I had started modifying the stun ray, I had begun to forget about Billy. Maybe that had been my intention all along. But what I said was, "Yes. And no. It's… complicated."

"I just…" Penny trailed off, turning her gaze to the floor. "I can't believe you're a villain. Evil. I wouldn't have expected it from you."

"No one does," I muttered, feeling slightly ashamed of my secret for the first time, hating myself for being so weak. "You wouldn't have believed me if I told you."

"Maybe not." There was a moment of silence, and then she added, "But maybe I can help you."

"Ah… come again?" I asked uncertainly. Perhaps I had heard her wrong.

"I'd like to help you, Billy. There's good in everybody's heart, including yours. I know it's there, I've seen it. You just… you need to-"

I interrupted her, suddenly agitated. "To what? To frolic in the park with children and fluffy bunnies, throwing out money to the homeless and poor? To ignore the disease and treat only the symptoms?" I began to pace around the cell. "I'm only a villain because no one will listen to me any other way. Don't you see? I don't _need_ help. It's everyone else that needs help- they can't even see what's going on around them!"

Penny watched me, her eyebrows knit together with worry. "You could try being a hero instead of a villain, if you're really trying to help people," she suggested after a moment or two.

I barked a laugh, visibly startling her. "And what, fight crime alongside idealist idiots like Captain Hammer who think everything can be solved with muscle and signatures? No thank you."

Apparently I went too far; Penny's expression turned from worry to hurt. "Do you think I'm an idealist idiot, too?"

My mouth opened and closed of its own accord, and I blinked rapidly, trying to think of something to say. "N-no, that's not what I meant at all-" I stopped mid-sentence as I realized with a jolt of guilt how I'd been treating her. "P-Penny, I'm sorry, I didn't mean what I said."

When she turned to look at me, she had tears in her eyes. "I think you did, Billy. And that's why it hurts so much."

Before I could say anything else, she walked briskly away, pulling the door behind her and leaving me alone again.


	5. Bailed and Bothered

It was a few days before Moist came back, but when he did, a guard accompanied him. Moist gave me a grin and a thumbs-up as the guard pulled out a key. So he had done it after all; if I had had a little more than four hours of sleep since I'd last seen him, I might have been more grateful. But as it was, I remained where I was, lying face-up on my bunk, watching them both. The guard was having a hard time with the key- it kept sliding around in his hand and in the lock. When Moist noticed, he took a step back- as though it would do any good. After a few more tries the guard was able to unlock my door and push it open.

"You're free to go," he growled in a rough, gravelly voice. "This fella here paid your bail."

"I see that," I answered dryly, rising from the bunk and following them down the corridor.

After everything was set in order and all the paperwork done, they gave me my Dr. Horrible outfit back. The guard who handed it to me snickered, and I snatched it without a word. Luckily Moist had thought to bring me my normal clothes –a hoodie and jeans- so the walk back to our apartment was a lot less noticeable than it would have been if I'd have worn my lab coat. It was good to be out of the prison jumpsuit- they're uncomfortable and not all that helpful if you're trying to be taken seriously. But apart from that, I couldn't have honestly said I was glad to be out. Now, I had to find a way to apologize to Penny, a way to make up to her for the terrible things I'd said.

Moist saw the anxious look on my face and misinterpreted the meaning. "Hey man, don't worry about the ELE. They've got no style anyways, with all the murdering…"

I didn't bother answering, too wrapped up in my own thoughts to care about Moist and his feeble attempt at consolation.

He tried again. "Hey, how did your talk with Penny go?"

My face twitched into a grimace. "I insulted her."

"On purpose?"

"Of course not," I snapped. "She said she wanted to help me and I said some stupid things."

Moist waited for more, but I didn't elaborate. "Oh," he finally said. There was a moment's silence before he gave me a half-grin and asked, "Wanna hear how we got the money to bail you out?"

"No," I muttered, but he had already launched into his story. Despite my mood, I found myself smirking appreciatively; apparently, he and another henchman had pulled off a rather clever heist at a local drugstore.

"Pretty small time, I know, but we got enough to bail you out. And," he added proudly, "a little left over to pay this month's rent."

I opened my mouth, about to bestow a rare compliment on my henchman, when something strange caught my attention. There, standing on the other side of the street with a nasty grin, was Fake Thomas Jefferson, holding an old-fashioned musket.

And he was aiming it straight at me.


	6. Surprises

"Duck!" I shouted at Moist, who obeyed without question. A split second later I did the same, and it wasn't a moment too soon; as I hit the ground, I heard the telltale _crack_ of a gunshot and felt it whiz by only inches above me, crashing through a shop window behind me. I jumped to my feet. "Come on!" I yelled urgently at my henchman, pulling him upright by his shirt. Together we sprinted down the street and down a nearby alley, ducking behind a dumpster. We waited in silence for a few minutes, and then Moist said, "I don't think he saw us."

Still rattled from the near miss, I wasn't about to go out there again without being sure Fake Jefferson was gone. "Go and check."

Moist nodded, then disappeared around the corner. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply to calm my frayed nerves, and was surprised by the acrid smell of dye. "What the-?" I began, looking around, but I found the source of the smell: a large, very wet wad of tie-dyed fabric that was swinging rapidly toward my head. Before I could react, it wrapped around my face with a loud squelch, effectively cutting off my air supply. I grabbed at it and tried to pull it off, but a pair of very strong hands was pulling it so tightly that it felt as though it might crush my skull like a melon. But that was the least of my worries- I was rapidly fading from the lack of oxygen. Desperately, my strength waning, I tried to claw at the hands holding the cloth, but I was too dizzy to find them.

I was dying, and there was nothing I could do about it.

As everything began to fade to black, I heard muffled voices in the distance, and suddenly the cloth was ripped off me. I gasped for air, and pain exploded in my head, making it throb like a speaker turned up too high. Collapsing to the ground, I looked up in time to see the face of my savior… and received the shock of my life.

Captain Hammer stood over me with that obnoxious grin, radiating triumph and conceit.

"Couldn't let you die, Doctor. You're just too much fun."

That was the last straw to my already battered consciousness; it slipped away, and I passed out on the concrete.


	7. Of Henchmen and Horseshoes

When I awoke, the first thing I noticed was that I was in my own bed. _That's weird,_ I thought, beginning to remember something about an alley-

The second thing I noticed was a blazing pain that seared through my head and lungs, cutting off all other thoughts and making the world seem blurry and dim. My whole body tensed with agony, and I shut my eyes tightly to try to block it out. I succeeded somewhat –all those beatings from Captain Hammer had at least taught me how to suppress pain– and I managed to only let out a small groan.

Footsteps came from the other room and Moist appeared, hovering over me anxiously. "You're awake! You've been out for a few hours. How do you feel?"

Considering that I'd just survived two murder attempts, it was a pretty stupid question. But I didn't have the energy for clever quips, so instead I grated out, "Pain meds."

"Yeah, sure, man." Moist disappeared for a few moments and returned with a couple of generic-brand pain pills and a large glass of water.

After I took the medicine, I nodded my thanks and waved Moist away.

"But-" he protested, clearing wanting to tell me something.

"Later," I growled. All I wanted to do was sleep.

* * *

A few hours later I woke up again, feeling slightly better. I managed to sit up, and when that didn't cause too much agony, I got out of bed and wobbled unsteadily to the kitchen. Moist was sitting at the table, reading a soggy newspaper. He looked up at me as I came in and attempted a small grin. "Hey. Feeling better?"

I nodded, sliding into one of the chairs across from him. His expression was tense, as though he were trying very, very hard to give me a moment before bursting out with what he wanted to say.

"Go on," I sighed in mild irritation, "before you explode. What?"

"It was the ELE. They're the ones that tried to kill you."

I gave a derisive laugh. "No, really?"

Moist ignored my comment. "It was only one plot. They've got dozens of others, and they're really serious about this..."

One plot. Of _course_. I could hear Moist in the background, going on and on, but I was only thinking about one thing. It had seemed a little strange, the first murder attempt, so unlike the ELE. Yes, they did kill quite a bit, but not so blatantly, so… stupidly. They had predicted it all: they had known I would see Fake Thomas Jefferson, they had known I would duck, they had known we would hide in the alley and I would send Moist to see if the coast was clear. And they had known that Tie-Die would be able to catch me by surprise. The only thing they hadn't foreseen was the thing that _nobody_ could have predicted: Captain Hammer. I felt like laughing aloud at the sheer irony of it all. And I must have, because Moist stopped talking abruptly and stared at me with a concerned expression.

"You okay…?"

I waved my hand nonchalantly, accompanying the motion with a _psh_ sound. "I'm fine. I'm alive, anyway. But I still don't know one thing- how did I get back here?"

"Oh, I carried you. Well, dragged, anyway. I came back just as you passed out. After the _good captain_ finished beating the crap out of Tie-Die, he just left. And—get this—he turned to me as he was leaving and said, 'My job's done here. Good luck taking care of _him_.' And he left me to drag you back home. Jerk. It was really hard getting you up those stairs, especially with my, well-" At this point he gestured at his normal soggy self with an ironic smile. "But obviously, I managed."

"Wow," I said, feeling gratitude like I'd never felt before towards my friend and partner in crime. "Thanks."

Surprised, Moist smiled, and then he clapped me on the shoulder amiably. "Hey, what are henchmen for, right?"

It would have been a nice moment, had a hard object not crashed through our second story window, knocked over our coffee maker, and fallen to the ground with a metallic crash.

Feeling more frustrated than surprised, I said, "Something always has to happen during these moments, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, so cliché. And annoying." Moist winced at our coffee maker, which was in pieces on the floor, and I followed his gaze.

"And why did they have to hit _that_? Could've taken out the toaster- neither one of us likes toast. And the window…" I groaned, thinking of the money we didn't have to fix it.

"Jerks."

For a moment we forgot about the object that had caused the trouble, but then I caught sight of it lying on the floor with an '_oh, right' _sort of feeling. When I saw what it was, I scooped it up immediately and ripped the small note off one of the curved sides.

It was a horseshoe.

With a feeling of dread deep in the pit of my stomach and a pounding headache from adrenaline, I read the note aloud. There were just two words:

"_She's next._"


	8. Dr Horrible is Here

I reread the words again, a cold feeling stealing over me and turning my stomach into lead. "She's next. Penny," I said in a hollow voice.

Glaring, mouth slightly agape in dismay, Moist was the perfect picture of stunned outrage. "That's just low. I mean, it's one thing to attack you or me, but her-" he broke off in disgust.

For the first time since the Caring Hands shelter incident, I felt fear flood through me. Not her, not Penny. They could take everything else from me, but not her. And it was for just that reason they had decided to target her next. Immediately, my ever analytical, ever scientific mind began working through a solution, and gradually I felt the fear begin to melt away. "All right, there's no time to waste. I've got to go find her and warn her, and then we can take her somewhere safe."

I stood up quickly and immediately regretted doing so; suddenly dizzy and nauseous, I could hardly remain standing. I didn't let it show, however, and closed my eyes until it passed.

"But nowhere's safe from the ELE," I heard Moist saying, and I opened my eyes again.

"Not true."

"Where could you possibly-"

"There's always my lab," I interrupted.

For a good ten seconds, Moist stared open-mouthed at me. "Your… lab? Are you sure you want her to see that-?"

"Look, I'd rather that she saw my lab than got herself kidnapped or killed." Another wave of dizziness swept over me, but this time it had little to do with the after-effects of Tie-Die's attack. I felt ill as I imagined Penny terrified, Penny shaking, Penny dead… but then I forced the images out of my mind, let go of the table that I hadn't even realized I'd been gripping, and strode over to the door where my lab coat was hanging. As I slipped it on, strapped the goggles to my head, and pulled the white gloves over my hands, I felt calm once again. Dr. Horrible was here, and he would be able to take care of Penny when just plain, awkward, weak, _pathetic_ Billy couldn't.

Moist seemed to notice the change as well; whatever protest he would have given died away. Instead, he asked, "Well, what are we going to do?"

"_We_ aren't going to do anything. I need you to stay here and guard the lab in case someone from the ELE decides to use this distraction to take it out."

Once again, Moist looked as though he wanted to protest, so I held up my gloved hands in a placating, very un-Horrible gesture. "Please. I'll be okay. I'm taking the Freeze Ray with me-"

"But I thought you left the Freeze Ray at the shelter. I'll bet the police took it as soon as they hauled you off."

I had moved away as he spoke, and I gave a slightly muffled answer while digging through a box in the closet. "I still have the prototype- I can use that."

"I thought it didn't work, and it made you botch one of your major plans. Wasn't that the time at the Hero Memorial Bridge when Captain Hammer stopped you by throwing a car at your head?"

I sighed deeply as I pulled the device in question out of the closet and made for the door. "Thanks for reminding me. I made a few adjustments, so it should be fine. I have to take _something_ with me, just in case. I'll be fine, Moist. Just hold down the fort here until Penny and I get back!"

Without looking back to see his reaction, I shut the door and sprinted down the stairs in our apartment complex, taking them three at a time.


	9. Déjà Vu

Simmering with panic I couldn't fully suppress, even as Dr. Horrible, I exited our building and began to sprint in the direction of the Caring Hands Shelter; I knew the way well enough by then after doing so much… _observation_… of Penny. I also knew she'd be working that day from 8:30 AM to 2:45 PM (it was 1:36 PM when I left the apartment). When I arrived a few minutes later, out of breath and full of adrenaline, I burst in the door without knocking or ringing the little bell by the entrance.

As my eyes adjusted to the relatively dim light of the shelter, I heard a gasp on my right. My gaze snapped to the scruffy-looking man behind the front desk, who had dropped the magazine he'd been reading and was staring at me with a mixture of surprise and fascination. "You!" I shouted, pointing at him. "Is Penny here?"

"She was, but she just left." He was staring at me with a complete lack of fear; I don't know if it was the stress levels in me snapping or if it was just one too many times of not being taken seriously, but I yanked out the Freeze Ray prototype and jabbed it at his chest.

"Do you know where she is?" I snarled angrily.

His eyes flicked to the side and back up to me. "What're you gonna do, freeze me if I don't tell you?"

I made a mental note to stop labeling my devices where victims could see it. "It might say it's a freeze ray, but I made some modifications. I just forgot to change the label to 'Death Ray 2.0'." I pressed a button, and the device hummed to life as it began its warm-up cycle. "Now, I'm not going to ask you again."

The man's expression turned from defiant to terrified - finally! - and he stammered, "O-okay, man, j-just power that thing down. She went back to her apartment to get something- her cell phone, maybe."

Her apartment… that was the one place in her life I hadn't been. I hadn't even looked it up; I may have been a little… thorough… in my observations of Penny, but I never believed in finding out on my own where she lived. I had always hoped that one day she would take me there herself.

"Where does she live?"

"I-I don't know."

"Can't you look it up?" I demanded to know, gesturing wildly at the computer sitting on his desk.

He shook his head helplessly. "I don't have the authorization to look at personnel files. I'm an old customer turned new hire… I just work the desk!"

I sighed in frustration, hopping over the desk and shoving the man out of his chair. "Move! You're useless." Within a minute of sitting down, I had hacked their network and pulled up Penny's file. I scratched her address quickly on a spare paper that was lying on the desk - no small feat with huge rubber gloves on, mind you - stuffed it into my pocket, and bolted out the door without a backward glance at the front desk man.

Luckily - and unsurprisingly - she lived fairly close to the Caring Hands shelter. Even though it only took me about five minutes to sprint to Penny's apartment complex, I wished I had thought to look up her number as well. That was the other piece of information about her that I didn't have; I felt the same way about her phone number as I did about her address. When she gave me her number, I wanted to be able to accept it without being tempted to quote it along with her. Now, I regretted both decisions to respect her privacy.

By the time I barreled through the front door of the run-down complex, dashed up two flights of stairs, and finally reached her apartment at the end of the dingy-looking hallway, I was gasping for breath, the world seeming to pitch sickeningly below me.

"Penny?" I called softly between gasps, pushing the door open a little. And then I stopped breathing all together when I saw the inside of her apartment. I had always imagined her place taking my breath away, but not like this; it was trashed, with everything from books to clothes to boxes of food littered on the ground.

Without hesitation, I powered up the Freeze Ray, kicked the door open, and burst inside with what I hoped was a fearsome yell. A stupid mistake; I should have known better than to make so much noise. My reward for my stupidity was a punch in the face that knocked me clear into Penny's tiny - but perfectly decorated - kitchen. As I slid backwards across the floor, I couldn't help feeling a sense of déjà vu, and when I looked up through a fog of dizziness to see my attacker, the feeling was complete.

It was Captain Hammer.


	10. An Uneasy Alliance

As that face I hated so much leered down at me, I closed my eyes for a moment, wishing fervently that it would disappear. But just as I opened them, Captain Hammer leaned down, seized the front of my lab coat, and threw me violently into the wall. My previous injuries flared back to life; agony pounded through my head, and my knees buckled. If Hammer hadn't had his arm against my throat, I would have collapsed. As it was, I was clawing at his arm, pulling it off just enough so that I could still breathe.

"What did you do with her, you fiend?" he thundered at me heroically. "Where's my girlfriend?"

"I- didn't- do- anything-!" I ground out. "Bad Horse- ELE-"

In true comic book fashion, Captain Hammer struck a pose, allowing me to drop to the floor in the process, and cried out, "The ELE? You're probably right, I should have known you wouldn't have the guts to do this yourself. You had help with this dastardly crime!"

Blinking rapidly to clear my head, I pulled myself upright and faced my nemesis head-on. "You _might_ just be the biggest idiot in the entire universe. I don't have time for this! Do you know what happened?"

Hammer seemed taken aback by my response; normally, I would have pulled a gadget on him, or laughed maniacally, or ran away when the gadget I used failed to work. I had only gone face-to-face with him once before (and it had been the first time I ever confronted him), so his shock might have been the reason he answered me instead of punching me some more.

"I came here to see if she'd have lunch with the mayor and me-"

"She was at _work_, you moron."

Hammer snorted. "Like I would bother to look at her schedule. Everyone has time for Captain Hammer!"

"_Anyway_," I said pointedly.

"When I got here ten minutes ago, it looked like this."

"So in other words, you have no idea what happened."

He grabbed the front of my lab coat again, leaning aggressively into my face. "You kidnapped her! You and the ELE!"

I rolled my eyes at him. "If I had kidnapped her, do you think I'd stick around her apartment afterward? I'm telling you, it's Bad Horse, he's out to get me and he kidnapped her because he knows-" I stopped mid-sentence, just in time to catch myself.

But Hammer, in a rare moment of perceptiveness, finished it for me. "Knows you like her."

_Love_, my mind corrected automatically. Although I said nothing, Hammer must have seen the word in my eyes. "You shoulda seen this coming as soon as they started going after you, Doc. Even _I_ know about your little crush."

Suddenly angrier than I could handle anymore, I shoved his hands off my coat. "Shut up. You're wasting time! Do you know where-"

"Aww," interrupted Hammer with an infuriating grin, "did I hit a sore spot?"

My hands balled up into fists of their own accord. "I said, _shut up_."

"_I said shut up!_" mocked Hammer in a high-pitched imitation of my voice.

_What is this_, I wondered angrily, _a middle school flashback?_ I had to resist the urge to resort to violence with every bit of my willpower. "Look," I growled, clenching my fists so hard I could feel my fingernails digging into my palms, close to breaking through the skin, "I'll put it in terms you'll understand. Every minute we waste here, Penny gets closer to getting hurt or possibly dying. I think they may have taken her to the ELE headquarters. Do you know where they are?"

Hammer scoffed. "If I did, do you think they'd still be causing trouble?"

"Yes, but I'm pretty sure _you'd_ be lying dead in an alley somewhere if you tried to take them on alone," I said absentmindedly, my mind racing. They wanted me to find her; of that I was certain. There had to be a clue somewhere… I cut over Captain Hammer's outraged reply. "Look, we need to concentrate. We'll split up and search the apartment for something, _anything_ that might tell us where to find her."

"Who said you could be in charge?"

"Fine!" I shouted, beyond caring about the obnoxious superhero. "You can lead the search! I'll report to you if I find anything, all right?"

He nodded, looking satisfied. "I'll check the bedroom. Because, you know, I've been in there before. At night. With her. In her bed." After laughing at me as I flinched visibly, he disappeared down the hallway into the first room on the right.

I bit back the many, many things I wanted to say to my archenemy and got to work in the living room. It was small like the rest of the apartment, and even through the mess covering every surface, it was easy to tell the room had been much-loved and used frequently. Distracted by the overwhelming aura of Penny that surrounded me, I stood and gazed around, almost smiling. But then I realized what I was doing, and I berated myself for losing focus.

Bending over, I began to sift through the piles on the floor. I had barely started, however, when I heard Captain Hammer call from the other room. "Hey Doc, I think I found something in here."


End file.
